Stressed

Well, the last weekend was homecoming weekend....and lets just say that its been one of the toughest weekends to get through. you dont have to read this, i wouldn't blame you, but i need to write this down somewhere :/ here goes nothing...

Wednesday was decent, last day of Cross Country. Confrence was alright...i had done the same course twice before, and my record for that course went from 23:40 to 21:16, which is close to my Personal Record, which is a pretty good way to end the season. That night we all went out to eat...Andrea wouldn't eat with us and just went straight home, which really upset me, but really worried me too. She said it was because of homework, but i think its mostly because she doesnt like the other girls, and wont confront them to be with me. I can understand that, but still, it makes me sad...other than that, after the meet was fun, we hacked into a guy's laptop and wrote a love note to him and then some guy went behind a dumpster to make a shank out of a spoon, before coming back when the garbage man yelled at him. We sand songs like Dont Stop Believing on the way back...so alright day.

I dont remember much of Thursday, but Friday was both good and bad. Our highschool stadium's lights wouldnt work, so we went to the local college's football stadium for our homecoming game. the first half was increadibly fun, but then andrea started shivering and coughing. then all of a sudden she started gasping for breath, and wouldnt accept a jacket or anything, and i just sat there holding her to my chest helpless to do anything while she was having what i think was an asthma attack. I was so scared....we eventually deciced to call her mother, and we got out of the game around the 3rd quarter. I held her hand the entire ride, and we eventually got a hold of an inhaler and got her back to breathing reguarly, but god, i was so scared. i crashed immeadiatley when i got home.

The next day was homecoming...needless to say i was nervous, it was my first offical dance, but i was ready nonetheless. Andrea and I went to a local tourist resort to get our pictures taken, and i was stressed because of how nervous i was for what was coming up, so i yelled at my mom to shut up when she was saying things behind my back to Andrea's mom....i feel aweful about it, and i think i really upset her :( I got repercussions for that...but ill elaborate on that later.

The "group" went out to eat before homecoming at a chinese resteraunt, the bill costed 70 bucks for 6 of us, but it was alright. Had some fun there....Joseph is halarious, and i wasn't quite as mad at tanner (though ticked that he decided to go to homecoming in the group of friends with the girl who asked him out, though not WITH her. ugh) We met up with the rest of the group at the high school....hung around for an hour before the party really started going...thats when things started to go downhill.

Lets just say that....while it was good that the group was there, it was supposed to be our night you know? Andrea and I, just the two of us. I wanted it to be about us just one night, about what I wanted just one time....she barly even recognized i was there at times, and when she did, she just made sarcastic remarks that weren't ment to hurt, and usually dont, but they did that night because i wanted it to be special....and besides, i was the one who had invited her, right? anyways....i had to get away from all that for a bit, and i told her that, and i came back to her crying.....which made me feel so bad....im not a bad person, i dont mean to hurt her, i love her, but it just tore me apart knowing that I hurt her....and then the coughing began. and another asthma attack. her mother came with the inhalor, and she was better for a bit. we walked out onto the dance floor....but it was like she was embarassed to be with me. everyone was slow dancing, and i tried to get her to sway to the music at least with me, but she just stood straight, ignored me, and talked to Kim. It embarrassed me and hurt me, standing there clinging to her hand while everyone else was slow dancing.....like, it hurt a lot. Then she had another asthma attack...and there was a fight...and we tried to get andrea out and find my mom's car, but we couldn't find her, and when we did, my mom was mad at me because she had parked and we were walking up and down the pick-up line, joseph and I holding andrea, who was on the edge of like going into shock or something, and all my mom could think about was how mad she was at me. I held andrea all the way to her house....i couldnt think about how mad or upset I was, only how worried i was, and how scared I was for her....we got her home and set her down on the couch and gave her the inhalor....dropped Joseph off (such a good friend), then i went home and fell asleep crying....such a long night.

Next day...yes there is more...decided to make it up to andrea by going uptown. On the way there my dad yelled at me for telling my mom to shut up...which i diserved i guess....and then uptown i fell apart crying right on a bench right beside andrea...and sure, she was there for me, but everyone who walked by looked at me like i was some kind of monster or a kid with terets. when i recovered, we walked to andrea's house....she lives right in town...and andrea started getting these aweful pains that came from coughing so much the pasted too nights, like a stressed muscle in her stomach or something. anyways, it was cramping up constantly for her, and that made me really, really worried and depressed :/ than, one of my friends, who will remain anonymous, began texting me. A little something about this friend: he used to be my best friend, but he is an upperclassman, and he has basically ignored me since high school started, to the point of scorning me. anyways, i think he saw andrea cry or her asthma attack yesterday, and he started telling me that she was emotionally unstable, that she was wearing me out and bringing me down, that she didnt belong in my life, that she was making me crazy, that whatever love i had for her wasnt real, that it was only a phase. I wanted to punch him (of course i couldnt), but i was also thinking if he was right...what was I supposed to think after last night? than andreas pains started getting worse and worse and I think she passed out a few times....she was asleep when i had to leave, but i was there to whole time with her, which i guess mean something. I dont know....im so confused....I love her, i know that, but i dont know whats happening.

Woke up this morning, its rainy out, dark, im tired, bus was late, almost fell asleep in english in health. writing this during lunch (yes, we have laptops in our school). The school week isnt looking too hot either.